The World According To A Mentalist

2 Short Movies...

2010-02-23T21:21:00.001Z

p oe ms .

2009-11-11T19:13:00.001Z

Whendy?

Wendy wonder wonderful,
Wendy wandered far,
Wendy wonder wonderful,
In airplane, boat and car,

Wendy wonder wonderful,
She walked the streets and dales,
Wendy wonder wonderful,
Through sun, sleet, rain and hail(s),

Wendy wonder wonderful,
Her hair so long and slender,
Wendy wonder wonderful,
Slipped into a blender,

Wendy wonder wonderful,
Come on lets have a scoop,
Of Wendy wonderful ice-cream,
Or maybe some Wendy soup?

Call Me! Yeah! Focus Point!

Take my gums,
My plums,
And sums,
My maths and all those numbers,

The tiny man sat on my back,
His little friend Carl and his bike,
Bob the French man in my hair,
And Marcus the fiery dragon,

“Geoff?” I screamed out,
“Stu?” he screamed back,
“Don’t use my name in public” I responded,
“Sorry” Was his response,

I don’t care if he is a dragon,
I’ve told him time and time again,
DO NOT use my name in person,
He knows I’m wanted for arson.

The Greatest Story Ever Told (By A Machine Gun)

Ratattatatatatatatat,
Ratatatatatatatatatatatata,
Ratatatatata, Ratatatatatatatatataaatatata,
Click, Clunk, Click, Click, Clunk,
Ratatatatatatatatatatatataaa,
Boom!
Aaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhh!!!
Spuuuuuuurt, Spurrrrrrrrrrt,
Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrggggggghhhhhhh!!!
(Silence).

Boot Camp and Suit Camp

Sir, could I interest you in a suit?
It’s made from the finest CAT CAT CAT MEEEEEEOW!!!
Sorry about that,

Could I interest you in a WALKER TEXAS RANGER!
MENORCA!
TERMINAL 6!

Ahem, I don’t know what’s wrong with me today,
This suit I have here is tailor-made by Italians,
THIS SLEEPING BAG IS FREEZING!

Please excuse me for a second,
“It’s been 5 years since the accident, 5 long years,
She’s gone and she’s not coming back”,

Sir could I interest you in a suit?
It’s made from the finest DRUMMITY DRUM DRUM BONGOS!
Forget it.

Trick or Treat

Trick or Treat?
Treat please,

That was easy enough.

The Boss’s Evil Laugh

Give it me straight doctor,
Am I infected?
I won’t give it you straight,
Your nose is erected,
My nose is erected?
Your nose is erected,
My nose is erected?
Yes, it’s very infected,
You said erected,
Well I meant infected,
You said you won’t give it straight?
Well, I lied I’m on a date,
Well, give it me straight,
But I’m on a date,
I love helicopters,
But you’re in a doctor’s,
But my nose is erected,
I said infected,
What about the helicopters?
I said the doctor’s,
No, you said erected,
No, YOU said erected,
No, I said infected,
I said I was on a date,
Well, I want it straight,
I love helicopters,
Well, mine is infected,
Well, my nose is erected.

Nomes.

2009-05-19T18:10:00.001+01:00

Hello! I asked for 3 subject suggestions on Twitter and this is what I came up with...

Wolf! Sorry, Woof!
Dedicated to Anna Scholey

The dog, the dog, the dog with half his teeth,
He wasn’t a very happy dog because his meals he could not eat,

His owner had made for him a special silver straw,
But because he was a dog he didn’t know what it was for,

Pete his owner came in one day but had totally forgotten,
That when he left his poor old dog his straw was up his bottom,

Now doggy dog was twice the size because of his bestest friend,
His owner’s son was very confused and had been blowing down the end.

Guy Parrie
Dedicated to Thomas Stead

It’s our holidays we’re off to Paris!
(The capital of France),
We’re going on a coach that’s owned by Harris!
(A local coach company),
It’s not like Scotland there is no haggis!
(A traditional Scottish dish),
I bet you don’t even you know what lag is!
(Pausing/freezing related to latency)

Instead of hello they say Bonjour!
(French for Hello),
They’ll still eat food that’s been on the floor!
(Not the ceiling),
If they like something they may say J’adore!
(J’adore!),
It’s very hot at the Earth’s core!
(Because it contains radioactive uranium),

We won’t wear much because of the heat!
(Maybe shorts, maybe not),
Some sexy French minxes we will meet!
(And get drunk and take back to our chalet),
It’ll be too warm so won’t need a sheet!
(A SHEET not a SHEATH),
It’ll be like riding a bike without a seat!
(Well it will be afterwards).

BOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!
Dedicated to Amy Taylor

A chocolate teapot I shall create,
From the finest in the land,
The greatest milk and cocoa,
Crafted from my gifted hand,

Yes, in case you hadn’t guessed,
My name is Michael Martin,
And I blew my right hand off my arm,
With a lighter and some fartin’,

There and then it seemed like fun,
As I lifted up the flame,
But just then Chubby Carl ran in,
And shouted out my name,

My concentration quickly went,
Followed by a potent gust,
It left my trousers blown apart,
And a stain that looked like rust,

Lanky Rob filled up his glass,
As I became the human torch,
He poured his water over me,
And threw me in the porch,

So now disowned from all my friends,
With one hand and a stub,
I've met a rather friendly bunch,
At the missing limbs club.

24th April 2 OH OH 9

2009-04-24T17:37:00.001+01:00

One (A commonly used title)

Wherever you go I will follow you,
Wherever you be I will follow you,
Wherever you bee I will follow you,
Where bees follow I will,

Bee following,

Wasp following

Wherever stings are I will follow you,
Wherever the police are I will follow you,
Wherever the West Midlands Constabulary are I will follow you,

When the days are long and the nights are hard,
Nobody is there for you like a ewe is there for you,

Four ewe,
A paddock of sheep,
For you,
Prince’s first album

I thank you.

Michael Barrymore is no relation to Bobby Moore

We have some common ground,
You and I,
When we grew up,
We used to play in that derelict warehouse behind the chicken factory,

I used to be the Indian,
And you the cowboy,
That’s not to say that you’d fit an inadequate kitchen,
Or fit an extension that would not last the winter,

It was merely a term used to describe the game we used to play,
And is by no means any reflection of your character,
To be frank I wish I’d said doctors and nurses instead,
Not to say that you’d go on strike due to poor pay,

Look, for the purposes of this poem we used to play hungry hippos,
Not that we ate a lot or were fat,
Mousetrap?
No. We weren’t exterminators either.

We have some common ground,
You and I,
We used to play games with stupid names that insinuated that we did things that we didn’t,
Although it was quite funny that you did grow up to be a builder who had a rather dodgy court case due to a death related to asbestos poisoning.

When Winter Becomes Summer (The Birth of A Small Child)

How funny would it be if Satan was called Stan?
I fell in love with the dog from Peter Pan,
I believe it was called Nanny, Nana or Nan,
How funny would it be if Satan was called Stan?

Thor Blimey Governor – The Miniseries

I
First shelf,
Second shelf,
Third shelf,
Shellfish.

II
Selfish shellfish,
Don’t share their crisps,
Selfish shellfish,
Don’t share their chips,
Selfish shellfish,
Ate all the pies,
Selfish shellfish
Borrowed my bike.

III
He cycled to Butlins,
He partied with his mates,
He drank too much booze,
He drank it in crates.

IV
The sad and lonely shellfish returned home one night,
Slowly he unravelled the towel under his little claw finny things,
He put the cold steel of the gun to his head,
And blew his selfish shellfish brains out.

V
Was a classic sci-fi series,
I think there was a spin-off film.

Timothy's Missing Slipper

2009-02-24T18:10:00.001Z

"What a wonderful cat you have" Mr Blower said to his favourite bedside table Marvin. Marvin looked at him like only a piece of furniture could. “Step carefully” whispered Marvin, “For the Fountain men are after you”. Mr Blower looked inquisitively at Marvin, “The Fountain men?” he asked. Marvin creaked with the heat of the great log fire and repeated; “Step carefully”. Mr Blower was very confused indeed. Who were the Fountain men?

He took an enormous cigar from the winter box and put it in his mouth. Timmy the sparrow flew in through the window with a lighter in his beak. An impressive flame shot out and instantly lit the great cigar. Mr Blower inhaled a long and painful lungful of smoke and blew it out. The grey plume shuffled and danced into the shape of a service station car park and then fizzled away to nothing. Mr Blower laughed heartily at the thought of overpriced sandwiches and manky coffee that tasted like wee, then took another drag.

“The Fountain men are upon us!” screamed Marvin. The look of terror on his polished surface shot daggers of dread deep into Mr Blower’s heart. Mr Blower froze as Marvin’s cat started hissing at the door. The cat’s jagged spitting face looked like a telephone’s handset and equally as deadly. “Ring… Ring” it seemed to say “Ring… Ring”. The door slowly started to open. Seconds seemed like hours, minutes seemed like weeks and days seemed like bread. Mr Blower scanned his surroundings… And then he returned his flat bed scanner to the study.

A minuscule red shoed foot appeared from behind the great oak room separator. They sighed the biggest sigh of relief at how small the Fountain men were. Mr Blower looked at Marvin and they both let out a chuckle, but just as their hearts returned to their original positions the little shoe was followed by a humongous foot. It seemed that the tiny red shoe was part of an epic foot. It was a toe! A little clothed toe. Well, a not so little toe! A BIG toe! Although it’s not a big toe in the sense of the word that you’re thinking of. As in, the biggest toe that you have. It’s a BIG toe. Size wise.

Gareth (Who had been there the whole time but I just haven’t mentioned him up to now because he wasn’t adding anything to the story just standing around watching the plot unfold) ran over to the door and using all of his super strength (He’s a super hero) pushed the door with his powerful claws (Oh, and he’s a Lion). He let out a scream and begged them to leave (He can talk too) and (Just to clear up Gareth is a Lion with super strength who can talk) dug his heels deep into the rich mahogany floor. For a moment there was complete silence. Gareth had won. His long fangs slid out from under his lips as he let out a grin and then…

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

The ceiling began to shake and rumble and the brass light fixture that was missing 2 out of 3 bulbs crashed to the floor. Mr Blower clenched his fist and punched the air “Fountain Men!!!!” he yelled. “Fountain Mennnnnnnnnnnnn!” he bellowed again, but for longer this time (Shown using more of the letter N). Gareth jumped in the air landing gracefully on Marvin and with a crash of lighting they fused and Bedside Table Lion Boy was born. With a “Roar!” and a couple of draws that opened and closed very quickly, Bedside Table Lion Boy (Or Phil as he will be known) leapt up and through the hole In the ceiling. This didn’t work that well because the larger of the two draws fell out and Mr Blower wasn’t much of a DIY Man so the back fell out leaving Phil rather vulnerable to any attacks from behind…

BET CATTLE LOMMENCE…

Huzaaahhh! NEW YEAR POEMS!

2008-12-30T18:51:00.002Z

The Man Loves To Brawl

I’m a lover,
Not a fighter,
I’m a lover,
Of Pit Fighter,

The game in the arcade?
I loved that game,

I’m a fighter,
No,
A lover,
A lover of Pit Fighter,

The game in the arcade?

Yes,
The game in the arcade,
Are you fucking stupid or something?
I just said like two seconds ago.

It’s Great To Be Alive

I hope your head falls off.

Knife And Falklands

Sticky sausage,

Sickly sausage,
Pig as a poll,

A living breathing pig,
A living thing that lives,
And breathes,

A piggy breath,

I won’t eat you pig,
I love you too much,
Your cute little face.
And little piggy ears,

I can’t believe I was going to eat you,
I would never harm you pig,
I want to take you back to my house and make you dinner,

Do you like bacon?
It’s my favourite.

A Tiny Man Stood In A Tiny Room Playing A Massive Clarinet

All my friends are listening on the other side of the door,
If only they knew what I was doing,
I’m playing a massive clarinet,
While your mom sews me a cardigan,

She’s sewing it because I’m so small,
Wool would be too thick,
I’d easily lose my tiny arms,
Amongst her massive stitch,

A stitch in time saves a dog in the bush,
A cat fights back if you poke it in the eye,
Don’t poke cats in the eye,
My cardigan won’t be finished at this rate,

You know your mother,
She won’t shut up,
She’s too busy moaning about me blinding cats,
Oh right but dogs are fiiiiiiiiiiiine,

You didn’t tell me your mom was such a hypocrite,
Here I am playing a massive clarinet,
While your mother sews me a cardigan,
Whinging about a fictitious cat’s vision.

The Future’s Bright!

Stop stop stop messing around!
Start start start dancing!
Let’s party!
PARTY!
Wooh!

Come on kids it’s the new year!
A new set of friends!
A new bright future!
A new job perhaps?

A reminder of how old you’re getting,
Actually I am quite old,
How old am I?
And who are you?

Yes well I didn’t ask for that,
I don’t care who you are,
No I’ve never seen it,
I don’t have cable,

Or Freeview,
Well some of us manage fine without it,
I don’t even know what a celebrity chef is,
Happy New Year!

Tea Vee

2008-06-11T23:32:00.001+01:00

More movies coming soon...

Zome Zore Zoems. Zritten Zy Ze.

2008-06-08T12:11:00.001+01:00

A Stu Poem

Starts with something sensible,
Then goes a bit weird,
And ends with something shocking or sarcastic,
Now it’s your turn,
“Catholic schoolgirls tied to an ostrich smoking biros”,
See, it’s THAT easy.

The Useless Superheroes

If water is the drink of life,
Then I am the man of life,
I’m Waterman made of H20,
But I’m no superhero,

If variety is the spice of life,
Then I am the man of variety,
I’m Spiceman made of cinnamon and thyme,
But I’m no superhero,

If music is the food of love,
Then I am the man of love,
I’m Musicman made of symphony,
But I’m no superhero,

If bricks are big and solid,
Then I am the man of brick,
I’m Brickman and I’m bastard hard,
Yeah, you bet I’m a superhero and I’ll break your face if you don’t piss off.

Shengle Kinny

Shingle Kenny!
Scratchy back,
Shingle Kenny!
Body of red,

Shingle Kenny!
Is one massive scab,
Shingle Kenny!
Scares the girls,

Shingle Kenny!
Stay in bed,
Shingle Kenny!
Stay away!

Shingle Kenny!
I bet you look Dutch,
Shingle Kenny!
Or maybe sunburnt.

Girl… YOU SO HOT! (A Brit On Holiday)

Hey you! Sexy Spaniard,
You look so hot in the moonlight,
All engulfed by the dark Spanish sky,
I wanna dance with you until the sun comes up,

Your figure’s smoking
Those legs so long,
Those legs soooooooo long,
Your curves make me shiver,

Oh yeah,
You heard it right,
Shiver,
Alllllllll over,

My legs turn to jelly as I look at your waist,
Your torso’s amazing,
Yowzer! Spanish girl!
Your spinning hips make this boy go iLOCO!

Let’s boogie on down and drink Marguerites,
Because to be perfectly honest,
You’ve got a face like a slapped arse,
And I wanna be tanked by the time I get you home,

Cheers love, get ‘em in.

i drink therefore i am...

2008-05-26T15:13:00.001+01:00

Boat.

Scan,
Scan,
Caravan,
Wondrous,
Wondrous,
Caravan,
I love to think about,
Your innards,
All vann-y,
And carr-y,
Or car-y,
As in a car,
Car-a-van,
Car-a-van,
So is it a car van?
Vans aren’t luxurious,
Like a caravan,
Maybe ‘Carahouse’,
Or ‘Carahome’,
Would be better.

(Hangs Up)

Forceps sing the Wednesday cat,
Talking talking spoonerism,

Come hither and speak,
Anger out your words,

Drinky doodle dandle diggle,
A pint of coffee over here,

Some cheese please place upon my head,
You heathen boy put down that fork,

Treasure bike or sick on a tricycle?
“I know, I heard, It’s terrible news,”

Highlight that in blue,
Please print poo,

And after all it’s just a staple,
A bullet in your thigh,

For a slice of balloon filled space.
Squiggles.

The Recruitment Process

Special Mike was a special lad,
So special the old men said,
He was so very special,
That his eyes exploded and gave everyone a tasty treat,

A tasty ocular treat,
“Put it in your gin,” it was suggested,
“Dip your snacks in it,”
Or simply scoop it up with your hand,

Special Mike’s ‘Eye Sauce’,
Was the talk of the town,
The kids would come from lands afar,
To lick his oozing sockets,

Special Mike was happy and jolly,
Jolly that he was so popular,
Until his ‘Eye Sauce’ ran out,
And then ‘Limb Sauce’ hit the market.

Schoolboy Error

Well the strangest thing happened to me,
It happened to me today,
Or did it happen yesterday,
I’m confused it was so strange,

It made my face melt into my neck,
My neck called out in shock,
My neck dissolved into my chest,
And dripped upon my sock,

My socks screamed at this hideous sight,
And ran off to be alone,
This made my toes cower in fear,
And the skin ran off the bone,

The bone all cold and scared as hell,
Exclaimed they couldn’t stand this,
Along with my connecting leg,
And knees and thighs and quivering pelvis,

Now I’m pointless arms-a-typing,
With nothing else to do,
I can’t remember what the strangest thing was,
So this was pointless too.

Some Poems I Have Just Found...

2008-04-27T21:20:00.000+01:00

Easter

Christmas time,

Drum & Bass and Grime,

DJs playing Garage and Bassline,

With the MCs on fire,

And Girls shaking their booty,

Let’s all rejoice with some Bizzle and Dizzee,

Ever you have?

Have you ever sat on a pin?

Have you ever tripped over an electric cable?

Have you ever wolf whistled at a cheese grater?

Have you ever got your hand caught between two parked cars?

Have you ever been subjected to violence that you feel was completely unnecessary from your grandmother?

Have you ever been sick on your shoes?

Have you ever looked in the mirror and imagined yourself with a handlebar moustache?

I ask these questions of all of my patients,

It’s a shame I work in the Post Office.

More poems from the one they call... THE GENIUS...

2008-04-23T22:07:00.001+01:00

Stating The…

It’s the end of the week,
The end of the week,
The end of the week,
She cried,

It’s a big slice of cake,
The end of the week,
A bottle of wine,
He cried,

They were stabbed by a mugger,
Eaten by a bear,
Diced by a blender,
We all cried,

Obviously.

Juice Monster

Wonder horse,
Lived in a house,
It was big and bold and blue,

Wonder horse,
Owned a Ferrari,
Although he had no feet,

Wonder horse
Had a huge TV,
Which he kept beside the bath,

Wonder horse,
Wasn’t really a horse,
He was a shower attachment.

Wonder horse,
Came ready attached,
And was easy to assemble,

Wonder horse,
Was in the sale,
I feel a bit ripped off.

Apples!

Onions!
Onions!
Come and buy my onions!
Actually don’t,
I’m not a registered market trader yet.

E. Vil.

Somebody call a priest!
We need a vicar now!
An exorcist is wanted!
A man of the cloth must help!

This girl is green and scaley!
With teeth I’ve never seen!
Her eyes are piercing my soul!
Her…

Oh wait it’s a crocodile,

False alarm,
Sorry everyone,
I’m not sure how I confused a little girl with a crocodile,
This is my first day on this ward.

Pink Submarine

This poem I wrote ‘cause I could,
I wrote it with you in mind,
But as I’ve got nothing to say,
I’ll just think about your behind.

Bitchin’ Kitchen - Dedicated To The Inhabitants Of 269 (Excluding The Ants)

Calm down Dave,
Calm down,
Have a cup of tea Dave,
Calm Down.

Calm down Dave,
Calm down,
Have a cup of tea Dave,
Calm Down.

Calm down Dave,
Calm down,
Have a cup of tea Dave,
Calm Down.

I refuse to use Tom Cruise as an example of a normal person

My darling your eyes sing to me,
As does your gorgeous smile,
Stars fall from the sky when we’re together,
Sing to me a lullaby?

I can’t believe I’m so lucky,
Valentines day everyday,
Even the sun calls for your love,
Because without you I’m in the dark,

Over mountains,
Over oceans,
Being with you is all I care about,
Save a place in your heart for me.

A Poem I Wrote On My Birthday...

2008-04-02T18:07:00.001+01:00

(Puts tongue in bottom lip and goes MmMmmMMmm)

Mr Smith The English teacher,
Was a strange old man,
He used to teach from behind some drawers,
He bought from Afghanistan,

He wore a hat made completely of eggs,
And glasses fashioned from frogs,
He’d talk in a voice that wasn’t his own,
And barked at passing dogs,

We used to love our Mr Smith,
We used to love him so,
Until the day he was taken away,
A heard of sheep in tow,

He had upon his head a fish,
Between his legs a sparrow,
Under his arms an elephant trunk,
And a monkey filled wheelbarrow,

When given the chance to talk he said;
“I didn’t know what to do,
Despite my life of teaching work,
I wanted to be a zoo”.

So a petrol bomb went through his door,
And his garden they did uproot,
I screamed to them “This isn’t fair,
He’s ill in an institute!”,

But mark my words the day he leaves,
He’ll be crowned and told he was missed,
But our parents said they’d made it all up,
He’s on the child protection list.

POETRY CORNER...

2008-04-01T18:51:00.002+01:00

Hello! I haven't updated since my last two... I have recently released that I'm a bit good at the ol' poetry... Check this shiz out my lovelies...

Open Wide And Say “Mooshka”

I can’t speak for you,
Because I don’t have your mouth,
If I did I would use it to store cocktail sticks,
Although I don’t use cocktails sticks,
Therefore your mouth would be unused,
Like a Betamax video recorder filled with pocket fluff.
Pluff,
Pluff, as I like to call it.

Ronnie

Johnny Cash had money,
Johnny Rotten was rotten,
Johnny Ball no doubt had a ball at some point in his life,
Johnny Quest went on quests,

I feel sorry for Johnny Depp,
What’s a depp?
Is it a kind of duck?
Or is it someone saying “Step” with a blocked nose.
“Donny Depp”,

Blow your nose.

A Custard Cream Adventure

Friends of the world,
Join hands and sing the words,
That the gods want you to sing;

“Friendly friendly biscuit,
Biscuit, friendly friend,
Come and try a biscuit,
Made from mermaid’s tears,

Oh dear biscuit,
When will you ride your bike?
Or come visit me on high,
On low, on a bike, Friday”

Good old gods,

I hope you enjoyed your song.
The gasman’s here,
Could you get the door?
He said he’d be here Friday.
Thursday?
Well who the bloody hell is that at this time in the morning?

Ice Scream

Isn’t it funny,
How Ice Cream,
Sounds Like,
I Scream?
Because if I ask someone if they’d like an Ice Cream,
“Would you like an I scream”
Makes no sense.

Black Thumbs

Oh plastic bag outside my window,
Forever twirling and whirling in the wind,
Twirling and whirling and twirling some more,
Whirly twirly plastic bag,
All whirly and twirly,
Whirling twirlingly,
Twirlingly whirling,
I should really concentrate on operating this heavy piece of machinery.

Berlin

Post it notes,
Are a favourite of mine,
Because the name is deceptive,
You don’t post them at all,
They’re used to write little reminders on,

If you posted them to yourself,
You’d forget what was put on there,
And by the time you received the note,
That you have previously posted to yourself,
The bath will have probably overrun,

Leaking through the floor,
Into your living room,
Ruining your new settee and carpet,
So you write a letter to post it notes,
And they kindly rename them,

‘Sticky-Backed-Reminder-Notes’.

A Poem That Rhymes

Stevie Steve lived by the sea,
He lived there with his mother,

She used to sing him lovely songs,
About one thing or t’other,

One day she sang a song to him,
About his dear old father,

Which Stevie Steve highly objected to because she said that she didn’t know who he was and that she’d never kept in contact with him and that it was just a “One night thing” which at the time she regretted but these things happen and Stevie was “A little ray of sunshine” and if he grew up and wanted to find out who his real dad was he could but she wouldn’t be able to help because he was gone in the morning and she was very drunk and hadn’t got a clue what he looked like or where he lived,

So this made her a liar.